Demon Lord (and his many serving minions)

If you thought eBay was just for flogging those old bits and bobs that you've got hanging around in the back of cupboards, then today's auction is likely to open your eyes to the altogether stranger world that lurks beneath the surface of shoes, CDs and Pokemon cards...

Now, I'm sure you - like me - have often thought to yourself 'Oh how different my life would be if only I had a Demon Lord and his many serving minions at my disposal.'

Well, rejoice! Because today I bring you an auction for a "CUSTOM BINDING~MEGA POWER~DEMON LORD & MINIONS~HAUNTED"

Now, you're probably thinking 'yeah, so it's a Mega Power Demon Lord - but is it an Ultra High Level Supremely Powerful Demon Lord or just your lesser or common garden Mega Power Demon Lord?' Well, I think the sales pitch will put whatever fears you may have to rest:

"THIS OFFERING IS FOR THE MOST ULTRA HIGH LEVEL~SUPREMELY MEGA-POWERFUL DEMON LORD CAPABLE OF BEING BOUND"

And, like one of those offers at Tesco where you buy a joint of beef and get the potatoes and vegetables free, when you buy a Ultra High Level Supremely Mega Powerful Demon you so much more:

"REMEMBER, YOU WILL HAVE NOT ONLY THE ONE DEMON LORD AT YOUR COMMAND, BUT HIS MANY SERVANT ENTITIES ALSO~DEMONS OF ALL LEVELS AND CLASSES~LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF ENTITIES TO DO YOUR BIDDING!"

Hundreds of entities to do my bidding? It would be just like being Donald Trump - you could send one of your Demon Lord's servant entities down the road to pick up your Chinese takeaway, while another nips to the off-license to buy some beers and have a third on hand to do the dishes...

But, apparently, with such a fearsome entity under your control, it's not just the trivial things that are within your grasp - oh no! Having a Demon Lord to command can, apparently, give you:

"REVENGE~POWER~SEX~WEALTH

LOVE~ATTRACTION~PSYCHIC POWERS~MONEY~SEXUAL PROWESS~CONTROL

ALL YOURS!"

And, of course, all this must be true because the seller is a Warlock and a Demon Master. Need more convincing? Well, take a look at his CV and I think you'll be impressed...

"I DESCEND FROM GENERATIONS OF WIZARDRY AND MAGICK-MY FAMILY IS A GREAT ANCIENT ONE-RENOWNED SINCE TIME IMMEMORIAL FOR OUR POWERS, OUR CONTROL OF THE MAGICK FORCES-ALCHEMY-SORCERY-NECROMANCY-OUR FAMILY DESCENDED FROM THE HOUSE OF SALOMAN-HOLDER OF OUR OWN FAMILY GRIMOIRE-NOW I AM THE ONE-LAST IN MY GREAT LINE"

To harness the awesome power of the most powerful entities in this, or any dimension, the price of $1499 seems like a complete bargain!

I just have one, small, tiny - almost insignificant - question. If the seller is a mighty Warlock and Demon Master, possessor of items that can give you your very wishes and desires, make you rich beyond belief and deliver all the power you can handle...why is it he has to make a living selling Demons on eBay?