Lifesize Cow Statues

image, DFW Furniture and Inteiors

Today's ebay listing is aimed squarely at the back garden completist (and, possibly, fans of The Wonder Stuff).

Now, if you are the type of person whose garden is equipped with patio furniture, little solar powered lights, a garden pond (possibly with ornamental goldfish), colourful shrubberies, garden ornaments and the odd bird bath, then you're probably thinking to yourself "Well, my garden is already complete..."

To which I would say - stuff, nonsense and poppycock! What garden can consider itself truly complete without a set of Freisian Cow and Calf statues?

DFW Furnitures and Interiors, rather truthfully, advertise their set (which currently retails at £1.107) in the following way:

For that unique talking point when your neighbours and friends come round to visit, this amazing fantastic life size Friesian Cow and Calf statue set is ideal!

I have to agree that it certainly would be a unique talking point. Of course, that talking point would probably be 'what the hell did you buy those for?' but, nonetheless, it is a talking point. And if you're the sort of person who finds it difficult to engage others in conversation, it is surely a perfect introductory topic when you're trying to impress members of the opposite sex:

"Hello, I've got a lifesize cow statue in my back garden. Would you like to come and see it?"

Now if that is not pick-up gold, I don't know what is.

But, why stop at the garden? Installing a life size Friesian Cow and Calf statue set in the living room is bound to be even more of a talking point with the neighbours - maybe use it to dry the washing or as a handy condiment shelf. Really, at £1,107 it is looking more and more like a bargain...

Finally, can I just say that I am very proud that I have managed to write an entire blog entry about cows and yet kept it udderly free of cow puns.

Seen on eBay - One Lowlife...

Allegedly Arianna Teoh (left) and Sad Justin (right)

While meandering through the wonders of eBay, I happened across an auction that I had to read twice to make sure that I understood it correctly. You see, the auction was simply headlined 'Arianna Teoh' and was for the not inconsiderable starting price of £10,000...

Well, after a small amount of googling, it turns out that Arianna Teoh is a former Miss Malaysia, ex-Miss World semi-finalist, model and business woman. Now, obviously, she herself is not being sold on eBay - so, what exactly is?

Well, it would appear that an English lowlife by the name of Justin (henceforth Sad Justin) is claiming to be her first boyfriend and, well I'll let him speak for himself:

MY NAME IS JUSTIN, I WAS ARIANNA TEOHS FIRST SERIOUS BOYFRIEND, WE MET WHILST I SERVED IN THE ROYAL NAVY IN1989. MY SHIP HMS NOTTINGHAM DOCKED IN PENANG FOR 4 WEEKS. WE SPENT EVERY MINUTE TOGETHER. WHEN OUR SHIP LEFT, WE SAILED TO PORT KLANG, SINGAPORE THEN ON TO HONG KONG WHERE EACH TIME SHE FLEW TO SEE ME. WHEN WE ARRIVED BACK IN THE UK IN DECEMBER OF THAT YEAR SHE ALSO CAME TO SEE ME. I HAVE 30 LETTERS AND SOME PHOTOS OF US DURING OUR RELATIONSHIP. SHE WAS AND IS STILL ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD.

READ THE STORY, ALL LETTERS AND PHOTOS ORIGINAL

If true, Sad Justin is stooping pretty low - of course, people dishing the dirt on their ex when said ex turns into a celebrity is not uncommon but trying to sell it on eBAY??

Adding additional intrigue is the fact that Arianna - who is married to racing driver Alex Yoong, making them Malaysia's Posh and Becks - is rumoured to have recently split up from her husband. Coincidence, just when material from her past surfaces? Or is Sad Justin just hoping to cash in on the media attention that will probably be heading her way?

Either way, let's hope Sad Justin doesn't make even a penny from his rather morally dubious eBay sale...

$25 Penis Enlargement Spell...

Delving into a far stranger area than $700,000 raisin boxes, we today have a $24.95 magic spell designed to, well, give you a bigger wand...

Now, I have to say, I've read all seven Harry Potter books and, while there was plenty of Stupefying and Expecto Patronuming, I didn't run across a whole lot of penis enlargement going on (although, in retrospect, I'm guessing Engorgio could possibly be turned to a slightly different use than Ms. Rowling had, perhaps initially intended) but, at $25 a pop, it would seem the wizards of Hogwarts are missing out on a very lucrative sideline...

The spell in question is created by one Papa Crow, who claims to practice "a blend of Southern VooDoo and HooDoo herb and root magic techniques." and boldly claims in his advert:

"Papa Crow uses an amazingly effective Voodoo Spell that makes large and dramatic changes in your manhood's size, length, girth, virility, and abilities!"

Of course, it is possible at this moment that you are a little sceptical about Mr. Crow's claims but he has a series of customer email excerpts in his advert that are bound to convince you, for example:

(January 19)

He is growing like a weed lol. He got thicker last night and he is bigger soft now. He gets a little longer each day. It is incredible. I can't stop touching it.

Sabrina G.

(January 19)

Apparently while at work he grew another 1/4 inch.

Sabrina G.

Well, I must admit, before reading that I wasn't sure whether it could be true but having read Sabrina's convincing account I am now totally convinced. And, if one Engorgio of the nether regions isn't enough for you, then Papa Crow is happy to offer a triple casting of the spell:

Have Papa Crow cast this spell three time on three consecutive nights and

watch the power go through the roof!

I am rather curious as to what happens if you purchase this and, having not seen your power go through the roof, end up being somewhat unimpressed by the results (I'm sure it never happens, of course) - this leads me to wonder, is eBay Buyer Protection adequate against a Penis Enlargement Spell?

Buy a raisin box for $700,000...

If you have a spare $700,000 to hand and are fretting over what would be a good way to spend it, then may I recommend to you a collector's item that would surely represent excellent value for your money - a 1956 vintage Sun Maid raisin box...

That's right, instead of spending that $700,000 on a matching pair of Ferrari 599 GTO, a second Cessna Citation or a Manhattan apartment, you can instead own a few centimetres of vintage red cardboard.

The item is described as:

It's a great original piece of American History

The Item is in, Good Condition, being as old, as it is

A small treasury for your to keep

Somewhat surprisingly, this appears to be a relisted item! Quite unbelievable that someone didn't snap up this original piece of American History straight away - so, if you want a small treasury to keep, I would hurry up and get your bids in as the auction is due to end on the 6th July, 2010.

If, however, empty vintage raisin boxes aren't your thing then may I point you in the direction of the - altogether cheaper - option of an unopened 1935 Sun Maid raisin box which can be yours for the startlingly cheap price of only $499. I don't know about you, but I'd be a little nervous at opening a 75 year old box of raisins as I think the raisins might walk out of their own accord after that long in captivity...