A Yellow Submarine

We all live in a Yellow Submarine, sang The Beatles - and, as long as 'we' is no more than 48 and you need to live no more than 3 days, then today grants you an opportunity to bring that song to life...

This 48 seater yellow submarine is certainly a marvellous thing but I'm not certain that its manufacturers are entirely confident about its abilities as they are at pains to point out that, although it has 'passed more than 40 tests' that each seat 'comes equipped with an oxygen bottle in case of trouble' and that, in case escape wasn't possible, it also has enough air and supplies to sustain 'crew and passengers for three days underwater'

I am also slightly troubled by the fact that photo (seen above) clearly shows a yellow submarine while the description describes the submarine as follows:

"The torpedo-shaped submarine, made of steel. The top is painted white with red stripes while the bottom is brick red. The special paint prevents molluscs from collecting on the surface and causing damage. A red star is painted on the hatch door."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but that doesn't look the submarine they show in the photo. I also found that the manufacturers seem to have a curious attitude as to the purpose of a submarine:

"our customers will be able to realize their dreams of making a trip to the bottom of the sea."

Now is it just me who would like a submarine that can take you to the bottom of the sea and back?

Formula 1 Car

If you are one of those people who think that cars are merely gas guzzling, polluters on wheels; an unnecessary luxury that mankind would be far better off without, then this is absolutely not the auction for you...

If, on the other hand, you're the sort of person who gets a thrill just from the sound of a distinctive engine note, or who revels in the idea of gut-wrenching, mind-numbing speed, then you be slightly more interested in the idea of purchasing a 1993 Benetton B193b Formula 1 Car that was driven by Michael Schumacher...

With a 3.5 litre Ford Cosworth engine developing 730bhp dropped into a car that weighs only 505kg, you have a car with a simply frightening 1446bph per ton (to put that in perspective, a Bugatti Veyron has 446bph per ton). There are only a very small number of cars (short of a dragster) that would have a chance at the traffic lights; a number that drops to zero once the first corner arrives.

So, if you want to be the fastest thing on the road, it could be yours for about half the price of a Bugatti Veyron at $580,000. Now, of course, I realise that a Formula 1 car can't be legally driven on the road. However, if you think about it, who's going to be able to catch you if you do?

Demon Lord (and his many serving minions)

If you thought eBay was just for flogging those old bits and bobs that you've got hanging around in the back of cupboards, then today's auction is likely to open your eyes to the altogether stranger world that lurks beneath the surface of shoes, CDs and Pokemon cards...

Now, I'm sure you - like me - have often thought to yourself 'Oh how different my life would be if only I had a Demon Lord and his many serving minions at my disposal.'

Well, rejoice! Because today I bring you an auction for a "CUSTOM BINDING~MEGA POWER~DEMON LORD & MINIONS~HAUNTED"

Now, you're probably thinking 'yeah, so it's a Mega Power Demon Lord - but is it an Ultra High Level Supremely Powerful Demon Lord or just your lesser or common garden Mega Power Demon Lord?' Well, I think the sales pitch will put whatever fears you may have to rest:

"THIS OFFERING IS FOR THE MOST ULTRA HIGH LEVEL~SUPREMELY MEGA-POWERFUL DEMON LORD CAPABLE OF BEING BOUND"

And, like one of those offers at Tesco where you buy a joint of beef and get the potatoes and vegetables free, when you buy a Ultra High Level Supremely Mega Powerful Demon you so much more:

"REMEMBER, YOU WILL HAVE NOT ONLY THE ONE DEMON LORD AT YOUR COMMAND, BUT HIS MANY SERVANT ENTITIES ALSO~DEMONS OF ALL LEVELS AND CLASSES~LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF ENTITIES TO DO YOUR BIDDING!"

Hundreds of entities to do my bidding? It would be just like being Donald Trump - you could send one of your Demon Lord's servant entities down the road to pick up your Chinese takeaway, while another nips to the off-license to buy some beers and have a third on hand to do the dishes...

But, apparently, with such a fearsome entity under your control, it's not just the trivial things that are within your grasp - oh no! Having a Demon Lord to command can, apparently, give you:

"REVENGE~POWER~SEX~WEALTH

LOVE~ATTRACTION~PSYCHIC POWERS~MONEY~SEXUAL PROWESS~CONTROL

ALL YOURS!"

And, of course, all this must be true because the seller is a Warlock and a Demon Master. Need more convincing? Well, take a look at his CV and I think you'll be impressed...

"I DESCEND FROM GENERATIONS OF WIZARDRY AND MAGICK-MY FAMILY IS A GREAT ANCIENT ONE-RENOWNED SINCE TIME IMMEMORIAL FOR OUR POWERS, OUR CONTROL OF THE MAGICK FORCES-ALCHEMY-SORCERY-NECROMANCY-OUR FAMILY DESCENDED FROM THE HOUSE OF SALOMAN-HOLDER OF OUR OWN FAMILY GRIMOIRE-NOW I AM THE ONE-LAST IN MY GREAT LINE"

To harness the awesome power of the most powerful entities in this, or any dimension, the price of $1499 seems like a complete bargain!

I just have one, small, tiny - almost insignificant - question. If the seller is a mighty Warlock and Demon Master, possessor of items that can give you your very wishes and desires, make you rich beyond belief and deliver all the power you can handle...why is it he has to make a living selling Demons on eBay?

Technorati Verification Post

KU5SW4FB2RDT - If you're reading this, you're lucky because it will be deleted in about five minutes. Well, perhaps lucky is the wrong word since it's not very interesting...

Erm, and that's it, I guess.

EDIT - Well, Technorati seems to be taking its time so this may well be hanging around here for a while. Therefore, please feel free to enjoy the scenery....

Tooth Floss Holder Patent

Today I bring you an eBay sale that makes the sale of a $700,000 box look like a positive bargain...

Have you ever been in a public place and wished, fervently, that you could discretely floss your teeth? Perhaps with a small plastic implement to hold the floss, which could be conveniently hidden beneath your free hand?

No, you say?

Well, me either but - if you are reading this and thinking 'that is utter genius, I would surely pay upwards of $20 million to patent such a remarkable invention' then I have found just the eBay auction for you.

However, if you are still in need of a small degree of convincing - have no fear, for the seller has conducted extensive market research that will surely assuage any doubts you may be currently experiencing:

"By asking directly a random group of people in the US, one should apparently find that a nice majority of the answers indicate a willingness to at least try it out."

With such comprehensive and scientifically viable (not to mention positive) consumer feedback, it is surely impossible to find any reason not to purchase the US patent for the plastic (size of a credit card) personal flossing device?

Quite how the auction has got this far without at least one person opening the bidding at $21 million for this revolutionary device of the future, I really don't know...

Russian Missile Launcher

If you're the sort of person who just demands the attention of their friends, family and neighbours and - having already bought a life size Cow and Calf statue set - still don't quite feel that you're the centre of their attention just yet then, today, we have just the thing for you...

Equally, if you're the sort of person who can't stand your neighbours and want to wind them up to the point of apoplexy, then this may also be the perfect purchase!

Standing over 30 ft (9.25 metres) in length and 8ft (2.5 metres) in height, this Russian built ZIL 135 missile launcher is a left over from Cold War era and comes equipped with eight wheels and two 7 litre V8 engines.

Of course, merely the launcher alone is enough to cause the odd raised eyebrow but - when coupled with a trio of life size replica missiles on its back - it is almost certain to create a talking point when you turn up in to, say, pick your kids up from school.

There are some small drawbacks; it has a petrol consumption of between 1 and 3 miles to the gallon and, as the current owner points out:

"don’t be surprised if you have some spy satellite looking down on you!"

Personally, I see this as a positive boon - you'd have no need for GPS since the CIA would be permanently tracking you!

So, if you have a chronic need for attention - or are merely in the process of establishing yourself as a military dictator (we all have to start somewhere, right?) - then don't delay as it's currently available at the bargain price of £50,000...

A £250,000 men's haircut...

Have you ever read about celebrities who have these amazingly expensive hair styling sessions and thought 'why can't I have that?'

If the answer to the above question was 'yes' then today's Seen on eBay may have just the thing for you. You see, while Jennifer Aniston is allegedly happy to spend £40,000 flying over a hair stylist from LA to London to do her hair while she is in Europe even she might balk at spending £250,000 on a hair cut from a Redditch barber called Dave (see above photo).

While Dave is, perhaps, a little overoptimistic about his hair dressing worth, he is clearly hoping to appeal to people with far more money than sense:

"ive had over 20 years experience in barbering this will be the best hair cut ive ever dun and your most expensive. tell your friends how ridiculously expensive your hair cut was ... i will travel anywhere in the world for you .. "

However, should you be tempted to take Dave up on his offer of the best hair cut he's ever dun please be sure to understand what you are letting yourself in for; Dave is insistent that you will have minimal choice in what kind of hairstyle you end up with:

"no refunds or returns and i choose the style i think looks best on you ...."

And, if you do decide to call upon Dave's barbering skills then:

a) You're a far braver man than I...

and

b) Please be sure to get in touch (and provide a set of before and after photos!).

Lifesize Cow Statues

image, DFW Furniture and Inteiors

Today's ebay listing is aimed squarely at the back garden completist (and, possibly, fans of The Wonder Stuff).

Now, if you are the type of person whose garden is equipped with patio furniture, little solar powered lights, a garden pond (possibly with ornamental goldfish), colourful shrubberies, garden ornaments and the odd bird bath, then you're probably thinking to yourself "Well, my garden is already complete..."

To which I would say - stuff, nonsense and poppycock! What garden can consider itself truly complete without a set of Freisian Cow and Calf statues?

DFW Furnitures and Interiors, rather truthfully, advertise their set (which currently retails at £1.107) in the following way:

For that unique talking point when your neighbours and friends come round to visit, this amazing fantastic life size Friesian Cow and Calf statue set is ideal!

I have to agree that it certainly would be a unique talking point. Of course, that talking point would probably be 'what the hell did you buy those for?' but, nonetheless, it is a talking point. And if you're the sort of person who finds it difficult to engage others in conversation, it is surely a perfect introductory topic when you're trying to impress members of the opposite sex:

"Hello, I've got a lifesize cow statue in my back garden. Would you like to come and see it?"

Now if that is not pick-up gold, I don't know what is.

But, why stop at the garden? Installing a life size Friesian Cow and Calf statue set in the living room is bound to be even more of a talking point with the neighbours - maybe use it to dry the washing or as a handy condiment shelf. Really, at £1,107 it is looking more and more like a bargain...

Finally, can I just say that I am very proud that I have managed to write an entire blog entry about cows and yet kept it udderly free of cow puns.

Seen on eBay - One Lowlife...

Allegedly Arianna Teoh (left) and Sad Justin (right)

While meandering through the wonders of eBay, I happened across an auction that I had to read twice to make sure that I understood it correctly. You see, the auction was simply headlined 'Arianna Teoh' and was for the not inconsiderable starting price of £10,000...

Well, after a small amount of googling, it turns out that Arianna Teoh is a former Miss Malaysia, ex-Miss World semi-finalist, model and business woman. Now, obviously, she herself is not being sold on eBay - so, what exactly is?

Well, it would appear that an English lowlife by the name of Justin (henceforth Sad Justin) is claiming to be her first boyfriend and, well I'll let him speak for himself:

MY NAME IS JUSTIN, I WAS ARIANNA TEOHS FIRST SERIOUS BOYFRIEND, WE MET WHILST I SERVED IN THE ROYAL NAVY IN1989. MY SHIP HMS NOTTINGHAM DOCKED IN PENANG FOR 4 WEEKS. WE SPENT EVERY MINUTE TOGETHER. WHEN OUR SHIP LEFT, WE SAILED TO PORT KLANG, SINGAPORE THEN ON TO HONG KONG WHERE EACH TIME SHE FLEW TO SEE ME. WHEN WE ARRIVED BACK IN THE UK IN DECEMBER OF THAT YEAR SHE ALSO CAME TO SEE ME. I HAVE 30 LETTERS AND SOME PHOTOS OF US DURING OUR RELATIONSHIP. SHE WAS AND IS STILL ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD.

READ THE STORY, ALL LETTERS AND PHOTOS ORIGINAL

If true, Sad Justin is stooping pretty low - of course, people dishing the dirt on their ex when said ex turns into a celebrity is not uncommon but trying to sell it on eBAY??

Adding additional intrigue is the fact that Arianna - who is married to racing driver Alex Yoong, making them Malaysia's Posh and Becks - is rumoured to have recently split up from her husband. Coincidence, just when material from her past surfaces? Or is Sad Justin just hoping to cash in on the media attention that will probably be heading her way?

Either way, let's hope Sad Justin doesn't make even a penny from his rather morally dubious eBay sale...

$25 Penis Enlargement Spell...

Delving into a far stranger area than $700,000 raisin boxes, we today have a $24.95 magic spell designed to, well, give you a bigger wand...

Now, I have to say, I've read all seven Harry Potter books and, while there was plenty of Stupefying and Expecto Patronuming, I didn't run across a whole lot of penis enlargement going on (although, in retrospect, I'm guessing Engorgio could possibly be turned to a slightly different use than Ms. Rowling had, perhaps initially intended) but, at $25 a pop, it would seem the wizards of Hogwarts are missing out on a very lucrative sideline...

The spell in question is created by one Papa Crow, who claims to practice "a blend of Southern VooDoo and HooDoo herb and root magic techniques." and boldly claims in his advert:

"Papa Crow uses an amazingly effective Voodoo Spell that makes large and dramatic changes in your manhood's size, length, girth, virility, and abilities!"

Of course, it is possible at this moment that you are a little sceptical about Mr. Crow's claims but he has a series of customer email excerpts in his advert that are bound to convince you, for example:

(January 19)

He is growing like a weed lol. He got thicker last night and he is bigger soft now. He gets a little longer each day. It is incredible. I can't stop touching it.

Sabrina G.

(January 19)

Apparently while at work he grew another 1/4 inch.

Sabrina G.

Well, I must admit, before reading that I wasn't sure whether it could be true but having read Sabrina's convincing account I am now totally convinced. And, if one Engorgio of the nether regions isn't enough for you, then Papa Crow is happy to offer a triple casting of the spell:

Have Papa Crow cast this spell three time on three consecutive nights and

watch the power go through the roof!

I am rather curious as to what happens if you purchase this and, having not seen your power go through the roof, end up being somewhat unimpressed by the results (I'm sure it never happens, of course) - this leads me to wonder, is eBay Buyer Protection adequate against a Penis Enlargement Spell?

Buy a raisin box for $700,000...

If you have a spare $700,000 to hand and are fretting over what would be a good way to spend it, then may I recommend to you a collector's item that would surely represent excellent value for your money - a 1956 vintage Sun Maid raisin box...

That's right, instead of spending that $700,000 on a matching pair of Ferrari 599 GTO, a second Cessna Citation or a Manhattan apartment, you can instead own a few centimetres of vintage red cardboard.

The item is described as:

It's a great original piece of American History

The Item is in, Good Condition, being as old, as it is

A small treasury for your to keep

Somewhat surprisingly, this appears to be a relisted item! Quite unbelievable that someone didn't snap up this original piece of American History straight away - so, if you want a small treasury to keep, I would hurry up and get your bids in as the auction is due to end on the 6th July, 2010.

If, however, empty vintage raisin boxes aren't your thing then may I point you in the direction of the - altogether cheaper - option of an unopened 1935 Sun Maid raisin box which can be yours for the startlingly cheap price of only $499. I don't know about you, but I'd be a little nervous at opening a 75 year old box of raisins as I think the raisins might walk out of their own accord after that long in captivity...